Need sex. Gaining weight.
I looked at my own cervix.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
