My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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