It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
