I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
