3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Randomize
