You really coming over, don't trick.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
