i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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