i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
