She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
