Swine flu. Run for my life!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
