someone get that fucking seahorse.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
