There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize