Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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