So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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