after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
