Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
God I need to hump something, right now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
