fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
