I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
