ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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