Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
