Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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