i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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