??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
