My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can I color on your dick again?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
