I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
