Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
a search helicopter?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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