I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
