it was like his penis was on wheels.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
