Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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