I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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