That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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