nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
