When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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