halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
