The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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