I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
