then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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