FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize