The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
