i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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