I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
