I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
