you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
