Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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