I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
