So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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