I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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