His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
