The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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