Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
