My hand turned me down
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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