Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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