forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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