omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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