I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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