dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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