so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
