I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
