I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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