How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
