On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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