I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's shark week go big or go home
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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