i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
