i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
